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Reload the Canons!

This series of articles is an attempt to play through The Canon of videogames: your Metroids, your Marios, your Zeldas, your Pokemons, that kind of thing.

Except I'm not playing the original games. Instead, I'm playing only remakes, remixes, and weird fan projects. This is the canon of games as seen through the eyes of fans, and I'm going to treat fan games as what they are: legitimate works of art in their own right that deserve our analysis and respect.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Storming The Ivory Tower

So, here you are, coming home from a hard day on the job, ready to sit down by the fire in your local pub, a cold beer [microbrewed, strange name, cartoon label] in your hand. The fireplace glows invitingly, the patrons sip their drinks quietly, and you reach slowly toward your accustomed place of comfort and seclusion when you discover--

I am sitting in your chair.

I crouch there like some leering gargoyle and gesture cordially to... The Other Chair. The less padded chair. The chair with more drinks spilled upon it. It's smelly, it's moldy, it's... it has... oh god, is that a rat snickering at you from the armrest? It is the Bastille of cozy pub armchairs, and you have been, in a word, deposed.

And I, a bearded, long haired barbarian, have declared myself Emperor. Of your chair. Metaphorically.

And then, as if you hadn't suffered indignities enough, I begin talking to you. You realize, with horror, that I mean to occupy this position until you get irritated enough to reclaim your place me by force. I will be here every single night. And I won't stop talking. Oh no! You, lucky sir or madam, are going to hear all my thoughts on history, art, music, literature, comics, and the other fine areas of the Liberal Arts, whether you want to or not! In fact, I have made you my special project. By the time I'm through, you'll have been dragged by the lapel up and down the Ivory Tower of academia, knocking dust off the steps, while I try to shine some light into the corners of academic thought. We'll sit together each evening, I'll sip my wine and babble, and you'll swirl your beer and occasionally mutter, "Oh, bullshit."

So, welcome to Storming The Ivory Tower, the textual siege engine that seeks to bridge the gap between the academic world and the realm of normal human culture. Through superior firepower.

We're just going to be the absolute best of friends!


  1. Strong start! Cannot wait to be regaled as I mutter to myself about how much I wish I had my chair back...

  2. Brilliant! I've only been waiting forever for this to happen!

  3. This actually explains much of our relationship rather well :P


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